STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION VS. THE X-FILES By David Nurenberg, 1995 (SKIOLD@AOL.COM) The titanic third chapter in the insanely popular Star Trek Superiority Series (or STSS) ! Read, laugh, and distribute like crazy, under two conditions: 1. Please give me credit, I work very hard on these! 2. Please do not alter! Thanx! CAST: ROLE STAR TREK TNG XFILES Leader person Picard Fox Muldar Macho stud Riker Fox Muldar Robot guy Data Fox Muldar Engineer Geordi None Doctor Bev Crusher Dana Scully Hot Babes Troi, Crusher, Ro Dana Scully Annoying Superior Admiral Necheyev Director Skinner Motto To boldly go etc etc... The truth is out there, trust no one REAL Motto Make LOTS of spin offs Only pay two actors Question for the day: Ever notice that the hero of the Xfiles is named the network he's seen on? Captain's Log, Stardate: The 12th of Never. The ENTERPRISE and crew have found yet ANOTHER excuse to travel back in time to 20th century Earth...this time, we're pursuing two Earth whales that were raised by aliens to be crisis troubleshooters, but decided they'd have more fun stealing life energy from hapless primitive Terrans and feeding it to an alien snake. We also have to make sure they kill Joan Crawford, or else the first man to pilot the Earth-Saturn probe will never be born. Whew! That about does it! Even as I sit here, recording my log from the cushy comfort of my nice, safe captain's chair, sipping Early Gray Tea (hot), my fearless crew is off earning their hazard pay down on the planet below. I can only hope they don't run into trouble dealing with the primitive nature of Earth's inhabitants, or else I'll have yet another nice, shiny violation of the Prime Directive to add to the four-ton crate of them in my ready room. Hey, Starfleet can't complain, Kirk had a whole WAREHOUSE full of them... (on Earth, 1995) RIKER: Riker to ENTERPRISE, we've cornered the whales in a swimming pool in Boise, Idaho, and are preparing to effect capture. We lost twelve nameless security guards, and Troi broke a nail. PICARD (on ship): Excellent, Number One. RIKER: However.... PICARD: I knew this was coming. RIKER: If it wasn't, we'd only have a 20 minute show. PICARD: Point taken. Continue. RIKER: We've run into two especially nosy natives who've been tracking us this whole time. PICARD: Deal with them however you want, Will. My ancestors are all from France, so whatever happens to two Americans probably won't change my present much. I trust your judgment...now you'll have to excuse me, I'm in the midst of a fascinating article on ancient ruins of the planet Tribble. Picard out. RIKER: Sigh. (he, Troi, Worf, Data, Geordi, and Crusher, and contingent of soon-to-be-dead security guards turn to meet Mulder & Scully...note BOISE, IDAHO runs in white letters at the bottom of the screen) MULDER: Freeze, FBI! (holds gun up with arms fully forward in that half-steady manner of his) RIKER: You already did that when you first saw us. MULDER: Yes, but I have to posture first, and show how macho I am! Not that it ever warms up my platonic partner, however. RIKER: YOU want to talk about problems with your “platonic partner”? (chucks a thumb at Troi) CRUSHER: (gives a sad glance up at the ENTERPRISE where the captain is devotedly doting on...his archeology paper) Yeah, get in line, Mister. SCULLY: Who ARE you people? MULDER: They're obviously aliens, Scully! RIKER: Uh...actually, only three of us are. DATA: Two and a half, to be precise, Commander. The counselor is half-human. RIKER: Like you'd be able to tell... (Troi promptly phasers him unconscious) GEORDI: Not again... SCULLY: Surely you don't think they're really aliens, Mulder. There must be some logical explanation for this. MULDER: But Scully, look! One's pale white with gold eyes, another's got some sort of cybernetic grafting on his face - positive proof of genetic engineering with alien DNA - and that big one's got ridges all over his head! SCULLY: The first one could be an albino, or someone with a bizarre skin condition. And look at the second one - that's most likely a barrette over his eyes, Mulder, look at it - just like the kind you can get in any beauty salon (er...so I've heard...not that I need to frequent one, or anything), and the third one probably has some sort of weird genetic deformity. MULDER: But you saw that energy weapon the sexy one fired! That's alien technology if I ever saw it! SCULLY: The government and the military have made major leaps in directed energy discharge weapons...perhaps this is a new prototype we've never heard of. MULDER (jumping up and down, turning red): But Sculllllllllyyyyy, they SAID they were aliens! SCULLY: Have you ever considered they could be lying? GEORDI: If I can make a suggestion... MULDER: Shut up!! (Waves gun) You have my sister!! Where is she?!?!? Tell me!!! WHERE?!?! DATA: I believe you are acting irrationally... MULDER: (runs up to Worf, points gun at the back of his head). Look, BASE OF THE NECK!!! BASE OF THE NECK!!! NOW WHERE IS SHE?!??!?! WORF: Only a coward attacks from behind. (Slaps Mulder away. His gun fires, but the shot is knocked way off, killing a nameless security guard instead). CRUSHER: He's dead, Will! SCULLY: (Pushes her aside) Out of my way, Red! I have to perform my obligatory autopsy for this episode! (Whips out a laptop and surgical tools, makes extensive logs and notes for hours). Mulder, I've concluded that this man died from a gunshot. MULDER: It couldn't have been! These aliens had something to do with it! They must have abducted him, and the government probably cloned him and gave him a gunshot wound to throw us off track while they kept the alien technologies that killed him for themselves! SCULLY: Mulder, it was a BULLET. YOUR bullet. Don't you trust me? MULDER: Trust no one, Scully! Why, for all I know, you could be in on this...how can I trust someone who doesn't even call me by my first name? SCULLY: But you call me by MY last name! MULDER: That's not the point! You could be a part of this! CRUSHER: (fires phaser in the air) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!?!?! WORF: They fight like Targs in a blood pit, grasping at grizzle and attacking anyone who comes near. DATA: No, no, please continue. I find interpersonal reactions between humans to be a fascinating topic for study. CRUSHER: Data, now is not the time... GEORDI: Look, we're not aliens....well, not most of us, anyway....we're from the future. We're here to apprehend alien whales who are disturbing this era. MULDER: What do you take me for, an idiot? Do you think I'm going to buy that? TROI: It's the truth! MULDER: The truth is out there...somewhere! SCULLY: Mulder...all of these security guards are now dead! Their...life force...has been drained, just like the case with the other victims! MULDER: Not now, Scully, I'm calling up my secret source, Deep Throat II, on this cool little cellular phone of mine! SCULLY: And these whales are rising from the pool, tossing energy bolts! MULDER: I said not now! WORF: The whales are escaping! Fire phasers! (Huge phaser fight takes place, the ENTERPRISE fires photon torpedoes from orbit, blows the whales to small bite-sized chunks. Mulder misses all of it, however, because he's hurried off to that rotting baseball park to meet Deep Throat II, who only tells him that “there's more going on than he knows, and that these are very dangerous times indeed.”) MULDER (returns): My G-d! There's a huge crater where the pool used to be! The ground has been fused to glass by some sort of high intensity explosion....and there are large, smoldering chunks of blubber everywhere! SCULLY: Mulder, you won't believe what just happened - MULDER: (ignores her) NOOOO! The government must have covered its tracks and destroyed any evidence of the alien involvement! I'm back to square one again! SCULLY: No, no, there were these huge red blasts from the sky...and these whales...and these flashing red energy guns...and....and...no, that's impossible! Focus, Dana, foooocus...they must have been filming a movie...or maybe I ingested a hallucinogenic substance... MULDER: Government cover-up! SCULLY: Hallucination! MULDER: Alien involvement! SCULLY: Overactive imagination! MULDER: Tastes great! SCULLY: Less filling! GEORDI: If you'll just let us explain... MULDER AND SCULLY: Stay out of this!!! GEORDI: Sheesh! MULDER: Deep Throat II said there was something big going on here! SCULLY: Well, Skinner just called, and told me we've been taken off the case. MULDER: Aha! Then we were getting too close! SCULLY: No, the case is OVER! All of the victims have regained their life forces...except for that security guard you shot. MULDER: His body! It's gone! GEORDI: We just transported it back to the ENTERPRISE, that's all. MULDER: The ENTERPRISE? Then the military's involved in this cover up as well! DATA: Starfleet is not strictly a military organization... WORF, TROI, CRUSHER, and GEORDI: Yeah. (cough cough) Right. RIKER: Uhhh...what'd I miss? MULDER: Memory loss. How convenient. SCULLY: Let me do an autopsy. RIKER: But I'm not dead yet! MULDER: Resurrection! TROI: Please calm down, sir, I'm sensing strong waves of paranoia and agitation... MULDER: Psychic activity! SCULLY: Will you stop that?! MULDER: (Waves gun at the ENTERPRISE crew..again...) All right, I'm taking you in, ALIVE, as living proof of the existence of extraterrestrial visitation! WORF: You? Take US in? DATA: Were I human, I believe the appropriate response would be...not on the best day of your misbegotten lives. Were I human, of course. PICARD (from the ship): Number One, have the whales been dealt with? RIKER: Aye, sir. And I think we've stayed long enough in this madhouse. Mister-Whoever's-Replaced-O'Brien-This-Episode, beam us up. (They Vanish) MULDER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SCULLY: (sighs, puts arm around Fox...in a friendly, platonic, utterly non-sexual way, of course). Don't worry, Mulder...we'll get the bottom of all this, someday. MULDER: They were right here...I had them...and they slipped through my fingers again...I'll never find my sister now... SCULLY: There, there, bubala. Come home and I'll make you a nice pot of chicken soup, and then find a nice girl for you to settle down with... * * * (Back on the ENTERPRISE, as it returns to the 24th century) RIKER: Whew! I've never been so glad to end an away mission. PICARD: Indeed, Will. It's a wonder humanity ever overcame its suspicion, paranoia, and need for conspiracy and survived past the 1990s... (pulls shirt down). Helmsman, set a course for Starbase 61...er...say, I haven't seen you before, have I? HELMSMAN: (an attractive woman with brown hair bearing a remarkable resemblance to Fox Mulder is at the Conn). I'm...a transfer officer, sir. It's a very long story. Very disturbing. You probably don't want to hear it. PICARD: Very true. All right, Ensign, steady as she goes...warp factor 5. En-gage! (Pump a few creepy bars from the Xfiles music...) _________________________________________________________________ THE END ________________________________________________________________ If you want to see more adventures of the ENTERPRISE crew showing up other cheap (or even well-done) knock-off scifi shows, send me some EMAIL! SKIOLD@AOL.COM Many thanx to everyone who wrote in with words of praise or criticism, and although I think I gave a reply to almost all of them, there may have been a few I missed, so I apoligize! Other STSS Stories on AOL and the Internet: ST:TNG vs Earth2 ST: DS9 vs Babylon 5 Comparative Captains' Analysis More To Come!